Un-cooperative ex-husband can make the difficult process of divorce nearly impossible to deal with. Most of us would agree that even with a cooperative ex-spouse, divorce takes every ounce of energy to survive. Unfortunately, many divorcees face years of headaches and heartaches as they attempt to navigate the process with a difficult or even impossible ex-spouse.
Interestingly, many of those same divorcees who have problematic exes could make things much easier on themselves by following a few simple strategies. But, most frequently, mistake after mistake is made with an ex-husband and too often that intensifies the conflicts and difficulties.
Stop making the same mistakes over and over again!
Almost all fighting between divorced couples is ultimately about unresolved marital issues! In fact, most divorced couples attempt to use the same tactics that did not work during their marriage! That doesn’t make sense. Here are 5 strategies that never, ever work:
Strategies that Never Work with Ex-Husband
1. Trying the same approach over and over and expecting different results. Continually telling your ex-spouse that how they parent is wrong. This approach never changes how someone parents.
2. Discounting former partner’s importance. Rarely or never consulting with the other about the children.
3. Attempting to Control the ex-spouse’s behavior. Continually telling them what they should or should not do.
4. Trying to talk them out of how they feel. Telling your ex he shouldn’t be angry with you never works!
5. Arguing. Arguing your side of things isn’t going to convince them of anything.
These approaches and many others I’ll share with you- never, ever change an ex-spouse’s behavior. I’ll say it again! These approaches never, ever change an ex-spouse’s behavior. So,
What does work with your ex-spouse
Here are 2 slam-dunk approaches that can change everything:
1. Alleviate their Fears. If you and your ex-spouse share children, you have to do this early on. Tell them sincerely that you never want to take the kids away from them or eliminate them from the children’s lives. Fear is the number one motivator of behavior in divorce. And the number one fear expressed by divorcing parents is that of losing their children. Similarly, you can alleviate fears by telling your ex you will meet your financial responsibilities or that you have no intention of leaving them with nothing. This is such an obvious and simple tool, but so often overlooked or ignored.
Whether you believe it or not, you have to convince your ex that you want them to be a very active part of his or her children’s lives. That’s a very important point to make when you move on to a knew relationship as well. But, too often, people get involved with someone else and ignore the normal fears their ex-spouse is likely dealing with. I’ll share more on this point so you’ll completely understand.
2. Stop Arguing. Arguing with your ex-husband is a choice. That’s right, it’s a choice, but rarely does anyone win an argument in divorce. Most often both parties walk away or hang up the phone feeling even more certain of their position and even more angry. That’s the opposite of what you should be trying to achieve. You don’t have to cater to your ex-spouse’s every wish, but you also don’t have to argue. Choose not to engage. Stand strong, but listen to what they’re saying. Here’s a simple communication tool that goes right out the window in most arguments. Simply restate to them what you are hearing them say. Here’s an example:
“So, what I hear you saying is, it makes you angry that I don’t tell you enough about what’s going on when the kids are with me. Is that accurate?” If the answer is yes, simply say, “I’ll work on that. Let me know if I am doing it the way you’re asking me to do it.” If the answer is no, simply say, “I’m trying to understand. Can you explain it a little differently?” This is a much more productive approach than arguing your point.
These same strategies and others can work for you, just like they have for thousands of other divorcees!
