In the United States, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. I don’t know what your experience has been; but, in my experience, more than half of those who don’t divorce are unhappy, if not miserable. It is quite rare, in fact, to see older couples looking happy and healthy, holding hands, dancing, or even smiling at each other. So if you see something like that, remember it; that’s a future worth thinking about.
Growing up, I often heard the saying, “The family that prays together stays together.” Yet I have seen churches full of miserable people praying their hearts out to heal their relationship — sometimes the same people I hear arguing at the ball field, the grocery store, or at a restaurant. Worse still are those who simply ignore each other — blindly gazing off into space with eyes full of remorse or resentment. They aren’t thinking the same things, or about the same future. They’re praying, alright — but not together.
Another, perhaps more appropriate saying I remember from my youth is, “God helps those who help themselves.” Praying, asking, or hoping for one thing, and acting completely incongruent with that desired reality, will not produce the miracles people seem to be hoping for. If you really care about your relationship, you need to put some care into your relationship; act on your prayers — “assume those characteristics you wish to possess.” Faith without action is empty; if you are having relationship difficulties, you need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. That requires thinking something different. So here are a few things to think about, but the change is completely up to you.
One of the first things we notice missing in relationships is Compassion. People can treat each other pretty poorly sometimes — forgetting that what hurts us could hurt anyone. We don’t always take the time to Consider how the other person feels, or what they are seeing from their perspective. It is too easy to cast blame and judgment; none of which is necessary or helpful. Try seeing your partner as a small child and imagine how they might feel if they were alone and afraid. Compassion isn’t the same as “feeling sorry” for someone; compassion is empathy, love, and understanding.
(I actually have a picture of Jennifer when she is about two, and another picture taken of her when she was about 4-years old. She is a sweet, precious, little child; and, no matter what time does, that little girl is still in there. I look at those pictures and realize that if I do something to hurt Jennifer, I am hurting that little girl.)
Compassion in relationships is only lacking, however, because of a lack of relationship Awareness. Most people simply aren’t aware that you always have an “inner child” who is always acting to meet emotional and biological needs — whether those needs are real or imaginary. Appreciate that your partner has a history (programming), just as you do; and everything they do is somehow predicated on that history. Our perceptions, actions, and responses, are all based on our experience, or what we “know.” Be Aware that most negative behaviors are the result of triggering an old program; and it can be difficult to simply shut-off those feelings.
When people do not treat each other with love, there is also a lack of Respect. Many people have grown up with a lack of self-respect and self-esteem. Getting married does not cure those issues. Chances are, if you have a lack of self-esteem or self-respect, you may end up attracting a partner with similar issues. If a person doesn’t have self-respect, they won’t be able to truly respect others; likewise, people who don’t love themselves, can’t truly love anyone else. There are many forms of attraction — and attachment — that masquerade as love; but, if respect is missing, it isn’t love. Always respect your partner’s beliefs, path, property, and person (feelings, boundaries, etc…). Judgment is not love; nor is blame and criticism.
When Compassion, Awareness, and Respect are present, Love is Free to Express itself; and each Expression of love should be met with love and appreciation if you hope for the love in your relationship to grow. Express love in every thought, word, and deed. Love is all that is ever necessary, and all that ever really works. Expressing love in word, but not deed, is not true expression; it is lip service, or, perhaps simply a lie. If you hurt a person intentionally and repeatedly, but express the sentiment, “Oh, you know I love you, right?,” then there is a repeating expression of violence behind a thin veil of sentimental words. This isn’t judgment; this is simply reality. Everyone has reasons for everything they do — even if the reasons are unknown to them, or unreasonable to you.
Compassion
Awareness
Respect
Expression
To put care into a relationship is to create a rewarding experience and environment for yourself and others. You can do these things; and it is always beneficial to consider these ideas. If your relationship is stressful, you are neglecting all or one of these areas; be present and aware for your relationship, and instead of excuses, problems, and complaints, you’ll have something worth going home to. If you aren’t learning and growing in your relationship, then it is undoubtedly causing you stress. In other words, all of those marriages that don’t end in divorce end in death; it’s just a matter of time.
Relationships are not automatic, or self-sustaining; they require constant care and attention — and there are no “entitlements.” Relationships are learning and growth experiences. Life isn’t always “fair,” and it isn’t always what we were told it would be; if these things do not seem natural, or come easy, you may need instruction you simply never received — and maybe some self-discipline. The painful, or stressful, parts of your relationship are simply the parts you haven’t learned yet, or parts you are simply avoiding or resisting. Live, learn, and love.
If you want a happy relationship, you must think about that; think about the kind of relationship you want. If you are in a relationship, you want it to be happy; otherwise, it will kill you — and between now and then, you’ll be miserable. Communication is essential, and prayer is always helpful; but prayer without care will not do much good. If you don’t CARE, you don’t really want to be in relationship; and you’re not likely to put the necessary energy into building a good one. If you do CARE, try prayer; and become the change you seek.
