Building confidence is an essential part of raising healthy kids. Show me a parent who doesn’t want to raise a confident kid and I’ll show you a dysfunctional family! Of course most parents do in fact want their kids to be confident but somewhere there is a definite disconnect between what parents want and the end result.
Far too many parents report their kids are hesitant, fearful and reluctant to put forth effort in all types of situations. The question becomes how does this happen? I once worked with a family who came to me concerned that their 12 year son refused to try new things, had no desire to participate in sports and went into panic mode when placed in situations where he had to compete even in the safest situations. The final straw for these parents was when their son’s teacher called to say he was refusing to read aloud in class. It was clearly a case of lack of confidence that was paralyzing this young man.
As I learned more about their family dynamics one thing stuck out that seemed innocent on the surface but eventually was recognized as the root of the problem. Every time the parents showed their son affection they uttered these words… “I love you too much!” Well, at face value it was certainly a wonderful display and sharing of feelings that all children should hear. But while digging a little deeper it turned out to be more than just a show of affection.
These parents did not love their son too much; however, the way in which their love dictated their actions was indeed too much.
Their approach to raising their son was what I refer to as ‘fear-based parenting’. Out of their fear of something negative happening to their son they began almost every statement with ‘be careful not to…’ or ‘watch out for…’ and ‘be sure you don’t…’
Because of how much they loved their son their approach to parenting was to focus on possible negative outcomes and warn him against them. By the age of 12 yrs old this boy saw the world as a scary and potentially dangerous place…a place where bad things could happen at any time in any situation.
He was taught to be afraid.
He was never given the opportunity to experience and succeed or fail.
His life was limited to situations his parents felt they could control, thus their son never had the chance to find out what he was capable of. And without the experiences of success and failure there can be no confidence gained.
How to Build Confidence in Kids
Confidence is gained by experience. Parents must guard against allowing their love for their children to become a set of reigns that hold them back from engaging in opportunities and embracing life. Instead they must convey a sense of faith and confidence in their ability to meet any challenge. Children whose parents believe in them believe in themselves!
To raise a confident kid it is important that:
- They understand that failure is okay.
- They receive praise for their efforts.
- They are taught that doing their personal best is being successful.
When these three things are evident in your child’s mindset they will be excited to step out of their comfort zone and experience with confidence all that life presents!
