An ongoing affair changes the relationship. Here are some of the changes that can occur during the course of an affair:
Before Discovery – Hiding and Lying
Once you are hiding an affair, your relationship to your spouse changes. Example: Charles is having an affair with a co-worker. He has to lie to Wendy about why he is working late. And each separate lie he tells about each night have to be consistent, so as not to arouse her suspicions. He has to monitor who at work might figure out about the infidelity and whether they know Wendy — or know someone who knows Wendy. He has to watch himself all the time when he’s with Wendy, so he does not spill something. Over time, the lies may be worse than the affair itself, because they force him to be tense and distant, and because they undermine the trust that is necessary for his relationship to Wendy to proceed.
The Discovery – A Power Shift
Infidelity is often discovered, and the dynamics of the marriage change. Example: The tension of keeping the affair a secret is wearing on Morry. Besides, part of him wants her to know that someone else finds him so attractive. Or perhaps it’s a rebellion, and he is rebelling against Nancy because he could never manage to rebel against his controlling mother. In any event, there’s a part of him that secretly would not be so upset if she found out. For what’s a rebellion without an audience? By accident, Morry leaves a note arranging a meeting in his suit pocket, and Nancy finds it when she takes his suit to the cleaner. When Morry confirms her fears, Nancy is devastated. Morry can’t help but feel (for the moment, at least) sexy, attractive, and one-up on Nancy. Nancy feels she does not want to lose Morry. She feels rejected and unattractive. 
After Discovery – Details and Threats
After the discovery of the infidelity typically come the investigations, recriminations, and threats. Example: Kathy becomes obsessed with knowing every detail. How long has the affair been going on? Who “started” it? How attracted is Jim to the other woman? How attracted is the other woman to Dan? What have they been doing in bed? Kathy asks Dan these questions over and over again. Oddly enough, Dan’s reaction is to resent Kathy’s intrusion into his “private” life. If Kathy wants to work on her marriage, she probably will do better to talk with Dan about Dan’s feelings about himself and his marriage. The only way she will really understand the affair is by really understanding her marriage.
Kathy wants to stay married to Dan, but she is tempted to threaten to divorce him, for a few reasons. First of all, she wants to punish him. Second, she wants him to realize how hurt she is. And third, she wants to send him a “wake up call,” to jolt him back into the marriage. Kathy needs to be very careful and probably should try another strategy. Oftener than not, spouses who were themselves not planning to divorce respond to a threat like that by walking out the door and never returning to the marriage. Moreover, Kathy’s angry reaction in requesting the divorce would actually reduce Dan’s sense of guilt. As a result, Dan is likely to offer less alimony and child support in the ensuing negotiations.
After these changes work themselves out, the parties can recover their marriage if they locate the underlying tensions in the marriage and work them out.
