How to talk to kids about divorce? How do I tell them I’m leaving? or How do I tell my child I have to move away? or How do I tell my kids there is someone else in my life? Good questions, and maybe you have more. So in order to get clear on exactly what you need to tell them, begin with exactly what will be affected by this change. This is about your children and the effects on them, not you.
Begin by asking these questions:
How much will this change their current routine? What can I do to facilitate the change gradually? What am I willing to make a priority as far as my kids are concerned? Be very clear and committed. What morning routines could change, daily routines, evening and bedtime schedules? What could they face with their peers, teachers as far as questions? How could you help with that?How would you feel or react for the first time hearing this news? Put yourself in your children’s shoes.
Are you prepared to put your children’s needs before your own emotional conflict to create a more positive transition for them? How can you do that? How can you support your children’s holidays and time off school by pre-planning? How can you allow your children to have time with grandparents, relatives and friends, and still give them your time?
Try to go through daily,weekly, monthly routines and schedules from the past year to help you gain clarity with questions and concerns that may arise before they actually do so that you are prepared with answers and solutions. Never criticize or complain to your children about your situation. When you talk to kids about divorce keep your conversation to being pro-active for their emotional, physical, spiritual health.
Do not allow your children the need to make choices between parents, relatives or friends. Do what is in their best interest from a parenting perspective. This does not mean giving in out of guilt, over-compensating because of your lack of time, or money. Keep a clear mind and guide your children as their parent the same as you would had the situation not changed. Continue to keep as much normalcy as possible. Be supportive without expressing your anger, regret, or fears. Your children need your guidance, if you emotionally can’t provide it during your transition get professional help to release your negative feelings to heal. Let your children know it is difficult, but it is not their responsibility to support you. You are a parent to support your children. If you require support ask your Doctor, Counselor, Religious advisor, or hire a life coach who works in this area of expertise.
How to discuss divorce with your child
Every family situation is different. Every child is an individual with their own qualities. Age plays a factor. Family support plays a factor. Your availability considering the circumstances matter.
Before to talk to kids about divorce you need to get clarity. List questions you feel will arise and gain perspective then brainstorm empowering solutions. Visualize your conversation and how you will provide positive alternatives. Determine what you are willing and committed to that will make the situation and transition easier. Do not make promises that you “think” you will keep or “think” will help your child cope with the news initially. Only make promises that you are committed to follow through on no matter what!
An exercise I may suggest would be one that ‘Esther and Jerry Hicks’ with the teachings of “Abraham” and Law of Attraction call Contrast to Clarity. In this process you list on the left side of a piece of paper all the things you feel may be perceived as controversial, concerning for your kids, or misconceived in any way. Once you feel you have made your complete list of “contrasting thoughts”, take each thought and write a statement opposite of the controversial listing at the right of the page that feels better, has more clarity and you think you can explain to your kids. When you have clarity regarding all the contrasting feelings you can make a “desire statement” summarizing the exercise. In your desire statement you want to feel empowered with a solution to move forward.
Example: “contrast” – I won’t be able to see the kids every weekend living so far away “clarity” – I am willing to make a commitment to talking to them from wherever I may be to tell them how much I love them, discuss the day’s events and say goodnight, and I will be available for longer conversations on the weekends.
“Desire statement”- I commit to calling the kids every night at 6:00 pm to share their success for the day, tell them I love them and say goodnight. On weekends when they are not with me I commit to arranging a time for a longer conversation to share the weeks success, concerns and plan the next week.
Once you have gained clarity remember to be flexible with them and very clear as to how you will notify one another if you are not available at the designated time. You may need to think of this commitment as seriously as you would a business appointment with your boss.
What is important to you?
Your relationships with your kids need nurturing and consistently developing. In order to do this, there must be constant open communication. Criticism, condemning and/or complaining is not constructive or healthy in any relationship. We are all hard enough on ourselves, no one needs to be put down to be improved. We are each unique individuals. Allow the development and open conversation to evolve and demonstrate honesty and integrity.
What you model to your children will demonstrate your beliefs and they will come to terms much faster with how they choose to align themselves when they feel supported and loved.
When you share your daily and weekly successes you create a positive atmosphere. That is not to say you can not discuss the pain, sorrow, anger, or other negative emotions that arise regularly, but as the parent when you allow the creativity of coming up with positive resolutions and ending conversations with success you are teaching your children how to become empowered rather than disempowered.
You can also watch this video “How to Talk to Kids About Divorce”
