When one spouse has an affair, that can be a pivotal moment in a relationship. If you’re dealing with infidelity, read this short article to better understand why do they cheat.
The significance of infidelity
The discovery of an affair is often devastating. This is especially the case if it is an ongoing affair or series of affairs, as opposed to a single encounter. An affair is often a sign of deep underlying trouble in the marriage. It does not necessarily spell the end of the marriage, though, especially if both partners are willing to explore the root of the problem and want to make the marriage work
On the other hand, if your spouse is engaged in an ongoing affair, you probably should not just shrug it off. You should seriously consider what emotions may lie behind your spouse’s decision to have an affair. If your spouse is having an affair, try to understand why. Then you can plan your response. When people are asked why they have affairs, they give a wide range of superficial responses. People say they were bored, or drunk, or looking for excitement. But when you peel away the veneer, a few themes surface repeatedly.
Feelings of Failure or Inadequacy
An affair can result from feelings of failure, inadequacy, or insecurity. Example: Andy thinks he might be unattractive, not earn enough money, or not be worthwhile in some important respect. Andy has an affair as a way of getting another person outside the marriage to “prove” his attractiveness or value as a person. This motive affects women as well as men, but it seems to affect men more.
Desire (Usually By Women) To Achieve Intimacy
Women in particular usually have affairs because their attempt to achieve a true exchange of feelings is blocked. Example: Tina wants to share her life with Tim, but he always keeps his distance. He’s at the office most of the time. When he’s around, he just wants to read the paper or watch TV. If she tries to ask him what’s going in his life, he barely responds. When she tries to tell him about her life, he’s not really interested. He seems to want to live a separate life from her, to be economic partners only. In frustration, looking for someone to share her successes, to talk through her concerns, basically to share her life with, she allows a flirtation at work to become a full-fledged affair.
Desire (Usually By Men) To Avoid Vulnerability
An affair can result from a desire on the part of the man to avoid admitting any vulnerability. Example: Allan has learned that expressing vulnerability or weakness is not allowed. But he does not want to admit that sometimes he feels very afraid of the world and not up to the competition. Allan feels that his wife Debbie is pressing him to be more open about his feelings. As a way of rejecting her, and putting space between them, he starts an affair with Kate, a co-worker at his office.
Adventure, Or To Test Boundaries
After the parties have started to distance themselves, they start to think about having a life after the present marriage. In that context, they sometimes have an affair, just to test what that might be like. Example: Diana has sensed Dan pulling away. She had little sexual experience before the marriage and almost none in the past year. She wonders what it might be like to have sex with someone else. Diana responds to the advances of a neighbor, and soon they are embroiled in an adventurous affair.
